4th of July -Tattered and Torn.

Greetings and salutations...

The American flag has taken on a new meaning to me. 

I grew up in a military family. My mother was even born on an air force base. (March AFB). I had a sense of pride and integrity knowing that my family fought for this country despite all the atrocities, hideous acts and discrimination it put us through. We were, after all, American too!  We helped build this country and we fought for this country. Forged together through trauma. American. I would often say, “America is like a gang and I’m down”. 

We celebrated military holidays with flag decorations strewn throughout the entire house. Cookout celebrations with the entire family complete with a red, white and blue bow placed perfectly in grandma's hair. A flag was proudly placed in the yard and it flew with grace enduring the rain, summer wind,and cold nights, until finally I was asked, “Celly, could you go out and change the flag. Here’s a new one to replace it.” And I did proudly. Hoping that my grandfather was smiling down on me. 

After my grandfather passed away, on a beautiful sunny day, with the sounds of the ocean and the scent of saltwater filling the air, he was laid to rest at the Veterans Memorial in La Jolla. He was given a gun salute and a flag was folded with precision, and I watched with tears flowing past my cheeks as they handed it to my uncle. I’d never felt more proud and I looked upon that flag, that American flag, with pride. 

Now, as I’ve gotten older my views on what America is have changed drastically. Based on my personal experiences as well as the current climate of this country and the entire world. It began with Colin Kaepernick and his decision to start kneeling during the national anthem in 2016, calling attention to racial inequality and police brutality. Calling it a “peaceful gesture, ” and likening it to “a flag flown at half-mast to mark a tragedy”.

His "gesture" brought the symbolism of the flag into  question, and I’ve had to ask myself what it means to me now. Especially given Trump’s campaign slogan of “Make America Great Again”. It mostly seems that folks that wear the flag on garments or place the flag itself on the cars or houses they own, have crazy views of America and spew tons of hateful things. The flag, for me, has taken on a new identity. It feels like a symbol of hate. 

This is extremely disheartening. 

I typically enjoy the 4th of July. I get to gather with folks I haven’t seen in quite awhile. We fire up the BBQ, the kids get to run around and then we all watch the fireworks in the evening. Happy to see red, white and blue fireworks. Wholesome fun as it were. Last year while at a parade taking photos, in a sea of "bros" and old white men, it dawned on me. “Holy shit! This feels crazy. Am I in Trump America right now?” I waited and watched expecting to see a swastika. Or Tiki torches. Or to be yelled at. Why was I feeling this way? What had happened to our flag? 

Much more has happened since last year and I’m not feeling patriotic at all. I am an American. But America has me feeling ashamed currently and that’s a sad reality. I’m an optimistic person and I surely am optimistic that our country will try to heal itself. The wounds are deep and the blood is steeped in the soil. 

As a black man in this country, my identity as a American is one of uncertainty, disappointment, and confusion. I hope that the American flag one day takes on a new meaning that I can be proud of once again. Until then, I will use this day, 4th of July as a day to enjoy the smells of BBQ, crack open a beer, hug some loved ones, and simply enjoy yet another day off. 

Saturday….. it's a Saturday…….